Do Not Mess With Shaq

I share a lot with Shaquille O’Neal.  We are both big guys with dashing senses of humor, tastes in fine automobiles, a disliking to Kobe and even the same birthday.  We have had a longtime one way relationship.  I sent him a letter when I was in the 5th grade.  I’m still waiting to hear back.

Now why do I love Shaq?

Name a cooler person?

Game.  Seriously, you don’t get better than the big man.

  • When MTV cribs did his house, they almost needed two episodes.
  • When he goes to the airport his car just turns into the plane.
  • His shoes tie themselves, ask him how he is doing today and help him dance
  • His body guards are called the ShaqGB
  • He has a tattoo of SuperMan, which is a little telling

I was on South Beach two nights ago, and was excited.  This was Shaq country.  You could almost smell him.  He is a freaking cop here, or at least was.  He could be at any of these bars, buying $13 mojitos, well, he would be drinking them, the bars would never charge Shaq.

Because Shaq is a legend.

  • He has five rap albums and a movie, and they are so epic that people don’t watch them anymore, because his current show is even better
  • He has a championship.
  • Four.
  • The MVP award isn’t given out anymore, they just describe how much like Shaq you are.

But this isn’t really about that.  This is about Pandora.

An Open Letter to CEO of Pandora Joe Kennedy

Shaquille O’Neal is a highly respected musician.  Recently, I used your fine service to play one of his songs.  To do this I created the “Shaq Channel.”

Perhaps it is a manner of personal preference, perhaps it is a sign of the times, perhaps it is just respect, but when I create a Shaq Channel, I expect it to be Shaq.

I discovered this at a brunch, with Champagne and crumpets.  I cued up my Pandora, searched for his Shaqness, you know the one.  Expecting to hear the most amazing rap music of alltime, I turned the speakers up high with a slight smirk on my face.  Everyone at brunch is going to have a better day because of Shaq.  The song started, and I was horrified.  Sir MixAlot is not Shaq.

I know how your service works, but Shaq deserves better than these ‘related artists.’

Shaq doesn’t have related artists.  He is Shaq.

When you go to a music store, there is the Shaq genera.  There is ShaqTV, the 24×7 internet station dedicated to his greatness.  Check it out, no joke, it is live and streaming.

So that was a total lie, but you looked, and that just means that Shaq deserves it.  I know what you are thinking, ‘Shaq doesn’t have his own channel?’  Yes, sad but true, he doesn’t.

And  your fine service could do just a little of caring about this problem, so when I log in, and pump up the greatest music ever created, it shall be there, in all his Shaqness.

And the thought of that gives me hope in this world.

Pretend I am a child, with just one wish.  I want Shaq’s music to play freely on your service.

Yours Truly,


Update:  My friend Andrew Bumpas photoshoped us together.






15 responses to “Do Not Mess With Shaq”

  1. Ryan Wanger Avatar

    I hate to be picky, but how could you forget to mention that the man has his own video game?

    And the fact that they had to reenforce NBA baskets so that he would stop breaking them?

    But then again, what do I know? I hadn't even heard of his 2nd album, much less his 5th!

  2. Mark Warren Avatar

    We don't need no hook!

  3. andrewhyde Avatar

    They also had to reinforce the floors to hold him. In the video game.

  4. Chris Andrew Avatar

    I greatly enjoy this post. Shaq back in the days of the white and black magic jersey is the way I enjoy thinking about him

  5. Charley Hine Avatar

    Shazam. Pretty cool iPhone app – even better film.

  6. ccl1111 Avatar

    Shazam… Loved the suit.

    Just hope the Diesel gets his thumb ring & brings one here to Phoenix.

    Nice hops, Andrew! Sure they come in handy on the volleyball court!

  7. Brian Avatar

    @Bumpas BRILLIANT!

  8. Brian Avatar

    I need to learn how to read (and click) the word “reply”

  9. Kristen Avatar

    video evidence of Andrew's ardor for “the greatness of Shaq” at said magic cottage:

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  11. Brandon Avatar

    Wonderful. I couldn't agree more hahaha.

  12. Ryan Wanger Avatar

    9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums ever:

    Spoiler alert: there is a reason I'm posting it here…

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    9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums ever:

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